It Will Never Be Enough (for Evey)

Confronted with this fleeting life, aware of my own mortality. 

Waves of realization overwhelm me as the future becomes absolute. 

Terror, chased away by memories of how you looked when we first met.

That first warm and gentle greeting as your eyes peered into my heart.

Once you weren’t there and then you were; now it is as though you have always been…

…near me,

… beside me,

… my solitary witness,

… my dear one, my Evey, my love.

Give me another day, another breath, another night.

It will never be enough.

Tiny Buried Star

I want you all to know
I want you all to know
That I was there and saw a face
That I was there and saw a face
I came upon a little house
I came upon a little house
And well within that little house
A tiny, buried star
A star kept cradled in a bed
And deep within that burning bed
A mote of fear
A mote of love
A brightly burning life.

I Was the Voice

I found an old picture of me and my ex.

It was like looking at two complete strangers.

I looked at me in the photo and said, “you will be happy. I promise.”

I thought I heard God, but looking back, I think I understand now.

I was the voice that saved me that night.

Videogames and Mass Effect

My parents only let me have a Game Boy for the longest time, but for some reason, I always borrowed copies of Nintendo Power magazine at the library. I’d read the walkthroughs to EVERY GAME. I didn’t even really WANT the games themselves (I just liked reading walkthroughs of games I couldn’t play, I guess). I would go frame by frame as it showed you the level progressions with secret tips, pretending I was playing it as I animated the pages in my head, imagining playing the games.

I’m almost 37 and just realized I am really into games and have been ever since I first played Mystery House, O’Dell Lake, and Oregon Trail on the old Apple IIe computers we had at school in fourth to fifth grades.

The Mass Effect trilogy didn’t feel like a game. It felt so real. The first game has flaws (I’m not good at games and always play on casual) LIKE DRIVING THE MAKO, and the freaking elevator loading screens… BUT I CRIED SO MUCH IN THE SERIES… when Thane dies… and our favorite Salarian…I also, as a non-binary nerd, have a soft spot for the fact that you could be in non-straight relationships in the games. That helped me SO MUCH.

Anyway… rambling… just wanted to say…videogames are awesome.

TL;DNR Dorky quiet middle aged person fondly recalls pretending to play videogames with Nintendo Power and realizes Mass Effect is superbly rad.

You.

I’m about to turn 37 next month. Recently, I got the urge to listen to the first Savage Garden album cuz “I haven’t heard that in like ten years.”

Dudes… that album came out in 1997, which to me feels like 10 years ago.

It was 23 years ago.

I spent the ages of being 21-33 married to a not nice person… the past four years I’ve finely started learning life skills like how to change brake pads and reset an odometer in my car. I’m playing catch-up but I think we all are.

One thing the pandemic has taught me is that literally I’m the best friend I will ever have. I have witnessed 100% of my life, no one else. Instead of beating myself up constantly, I’ve realized… not once have I ever given up on myself. I’ve come close, but I’m still here. No one else got me out of that marriage… no one else got me through being bullied in high school… no one else was so brave to make it through every single day… me.

I have depression and panic disorder but I’m also a major dork. No one cracks me up like I do. No one’s thoughts move me as much as my own. I’ve known myself my whole life, but I am still constantly learning things about myself… what I like, how I love, things about sex, thoughts about life and space and science and spirituality…

My biggest advice to everyone is to give yourself a break. You have been through SO MUCH. And you’re still here. You’re still trying and you can grow and change and love and laugh and cry and feel. And all the bad things in life, you’ve gotten through them ALL. They may affect you, but they are not who you are. You have not failed because you still breathe. And from your first breath to your last, you are the number one witness to your own life. Stop thinking about all the times you “failed”. You didn’t fail… you learned and grew.

You can try and try to get other people to understand what you’ve been through, but no one will ever truly get it like you. You know. You were there. You remember. You saw. And you have done the absolute most loving thing you could ever do for yourself: you haven’t given up on yourself.

It’s okay to be afraid, to have doubts, to be imperfect… to have things you’re not good at… to need therapy or medication or whatever… but you are so perfect at being you. You are alive, not in the past… but right here and now, taking these breaths and reading these words.

You exist.

You matter.

You.

A Reason to Love

This cat has literally saved my life. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 14 years (she’s around 16) and no amount of time will ever be enough. She’s old, so every day with her is precious. I know someday she will leave, but I am who got to receive her love.

I forgot what login I signed up with and whoops, that took forever. I’m here and I’ll write about anxiety and death soon. Thank you all for your patience and support. ❤ Please stay safe!