How do you begin to tell your life story when there’s so much of it? How far back do you go and how much detail do you provide along the way?
At what point did the main character in this story become them? Do we trace their life back to the very beginning of life itself? Do we venture back before life even came into existence? Do we start at the literal, absolute beginning of everything that has ever or will ever exist?
What I’m trying to figure out is, at what point did I become me? I have been the witness to my life since I mysteriously woke up one day and I am the result of an unbroken chain of life that never once failed.
Think about that. In order for you to be you, you had to come from your parents, right? And without your GRANDparents, your parents (and therefore also YOU) would not have existed. Trace your lineage back far enough and you will arrive at that first spark of life that ever existed. Ever. That first bit of life to ever have come into existence.
Not a single being from that first spark of life to you ever failed to reproduce. My mind can’t even fathom the minuscule likelihood of my own existence.
Quite simply, one day I simply woke up. I wasn’t…and then I was and I am.
My earliest memory is when I was 2 or 3 years old. I was playing with an inflatable beach ball and it rolled beneath my parents’ rocking chair. I crawled underneath the chair, and it was then that it happened.
I became self aware.
I was under the chair, reaching for the ball, and suddenly thought, “what am I doing? Where am I? What is going on? Also, I’m going to get hurt.”
It was like waking up from a dreamless sleep. I was thrown into my body and suddenly had thoughts, desires, fears, and awareness.
I watched my hands in amazement, realizing I could control them. I grabbed the ball, overcome with confusion, and bumped the chair in such a way that I hit my mouth and split my lip open.
I don’t remember crying. I was too dumbfounded by what I’d just discovered. I wasn’t, but now I was. I existed.
I walked down the hall to my mom, who was in the bathroom. I remember knowing instantly who she was and feeling as though I had not seen her in an infinitely long time. Lifetimes.
My mom got a wash cloth and ice for my lip (which ended up not needing stitches), and as my dad drove us to urgent care, I sat on my mom’s lap in shock.
There were sights, sounds, smells, the vibrations of the road under the car’s tires, the comforting feel of my mom’s arms around me, the embarrassment I felt for getting hurt, the completely unknown feeling of pain in my lip, and above all else…the awe.
I wasn’t, and then I was.
One day, I woke up. And I’ve woken up many more times since that day. It’s my goal, my utter dream and honor, to share that journey with the world. The journey is one without end and it’s full of mistakes, miracles, and magick.
Stick with me and I will share all I can with you. I feel you. I see you. I love you, stranger.
Wake up with me.
When he comes over
after a rough day of work
and you open the door,
reading the exhaustion on his face.
So you grab the ibuprofen,
fill a mug up with water,
and hear his sigh echoing as he drinks.
He leans against you,
reaching for your hand
as you cradle his head in your lap.
And he talks,
and you listen,
and speak soothing words,
and light up his heart with your love.
blue autumn sky
leaves dance a möbius strip
across the water’s edge
& teeth pierce the skin of the juiciest red apple
I loved you when my heart broke and we smoked in your car.
I loved you when you brought me back by saying “I love you.”
I loved you when we held her as she left from this world.
I loved you when we got lost and forgot who we are.
I love you forever, for always, for being my you.
I struggle to find the right moment in a series of perfect moments.
I search for the perfect time, when the words will tumble out of my mouth and into your heart.
Every moment spent with you is the right moment, and my anxiety whispers, “I’m sure he knows.”
But what if you don’t know?
What if you don’t know how much I care?
I cradle your head in my lap, smooth your hair and whisper “I love you” as you slip into your sleep.
there was a first time
L O V E
& polishing mirrors.
now we know
when the universe ends,
we’ll be ready for curtains
and walk offstage
Burn myself into a cinder
I’ll be rising, ever higher
Into fire, wings igniting
Ash is falling, I am rising
Smoke and blood
Snow and ash
Soul and body
I am the Phoenix rising
Star to star
We’ll pay our dues
Then be reborn
And love anew
I am the Phoenix rising
In the center of existence
there is a star that shines
bright with every soul.
Its pulse bleeds music
the coming together
of all hearts.
The brightest light imaginable
And across time