It Will Never Be Enough (for Evey)

Confronted with this fleeting life, aware of my own mortality. 

Waves of realization overwhelm me as the future becomes absolute. 

Terror, chased away by memories of how you looked when we first met.

That first warm and gentle greeting as your eyes peered into my heart.

Once you weren’t there and then you were; now it is as though you have always been…

…near me,

… beside me,

… my solitary witness,

… my dear one, my Evey, my love.

Give me another day, another breath, another night.

It will never be enough.

You.

I’m about to turn 37 next month. Recently, I got the urge to listen to the first Savage Garden album cuz “I haven’t heard that in like ten years.”

Dudes… that album came out in 1997, which to me feels like 10 years ago.

It was 23 years ago.

I spent the ages of being 21-33 married to a not nice person… the past four years I’ve finely started learning life skills like how to change brake pads and reset an odometer in my car. I’m playing catch-up but I think we all are.

One thing the pandemic has taught me is that literally I’m the best friend I will ever have. I have witnessed 100% of my life, no one else. Instead of beating myself up constantly, I’ve realized… not once have I ever given up on myself. I’ve come close, but I’m still here. No one else got me out of that marriage… no one else got me through being bullied in high school… no one else was so brave to make it through every single day… me.

I have depression and panic disorder but I’m also a major dork. No one cracks me up like I do. No one’s thoughts move me as much as my own. I’ve known myself my whole life, but I am still constantly learning things about myself… what I like, how I love, things about sex, thoughts about life and space and science and spirituality…

My biggest advice to everyone is to give yourself a break. You have been through SO MUCH. And you’re still here. You’re still trying and you can grow and change and love and laugh and cry and feel. And all the bad things in life, you’ve gotten through them ALL. They may affect you, but they are not who you are. You have not failed because you still breathe. And from your first breath to your last, you are the number one witness to your own life. Stop thinking about all the times you “failed”. You didn’t fail… you learned and grew.

You can try and try to get other people to understand what you’ve been through, but no one will ever truly get it like you. You know. You were there. You remember. You saw. And you have done the absolute most loving thing you could ever do for yourself: you haven’t given up on yourself.

It’s okay to be afraid, to have doubts, to be imperfect… to have things you’re not good at… to need therapy or medication or whatever… but you are so perfect at being you. You are alive, not in the past… but right here and now, taking these breaths and reading these words.

You exist.

You matter.

You.

A Reason to Love

This cat has literally saved my life. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 14 years (she’s around 16) and no amount of time will ever be enough. She’s old, so every day with her is precious. I know someday she will leave, but I am who got to receive her love.