When he comes over
after a rough day of work
and you open the door,
reading the exhaustion on his face.
So you grab the ibuprofen,
fill a mug up with water,
and hear his sigh echoing as he drinks.
He leans against you,
reaching for your hand
as you cradle his head in your lap.
And he talks,
and you listen,
and speak soothing words,
and light up his heart with your love.
I loved you when my heart broke and we smoked in your car.
I loved you when you brought me back by saying “I love you.”
I loved you when we held her as she left from this world.
I loved you when we got lost and forgot who we are.
I love you forever, for always, for being my you.
I struggle to find the right moment in a series of perfect moments.
I search for the perfect time, when the words will tumble out of my mouth and into your heart.
Every moment spent with you is the right moment, and my anxiety whispers, “I’m sure he knows.”
But what if you don’t know?
What if you don’t know how much I care?
I cradle your head in my lap, smooth your hair and whisper “I love you” as you slip into your sleep.
there was a first time
L O V E
& polishing mirrors.
now we know
when the universe ends,
we’ll be ready for curtains
and walk offstage
Confronted with this fleeting life, aware of my own mortality.
Waves of realization overwhelm me as the future becomes absolute.
Terror, chased away by memories of how you looked when we first met.
That first warm and gentle greeting as your eyes peered into my heart.
Once you weren’t there and then you were; now it is as though you have always been…
… beside me,
… my solitary witness,
… my dear one, my Evey, my love.
Give me another day, another breath, another night.
It will never be enough.
I’m about to turn 37 next month. Recently, I got the urge to listen to the first Savage Garden album cuz “I haven’t heard that in like ten years.”
Dudes… that album came out in 1997, which to me feels like 10 years ago.
It was 23 years ago.
I spent the ages of being 21-33 married to a not nice person… the past four years I’ve finely started learning life skills like how to change brake pads and reset an odometer in my car. I’m playing catch-up but I think we all are.
One thing the pandemic has taught me is that literally I’m the best friend I will ever have. I have witnessed 100% of my life, no one else. Instead of beating myself up constantly, I’ve realized… not once have I ever given up on myself. I’ve come close, but I’m still here. No one else got me out of that marriage… no one else got me through being bullied in high school… no one else was so brave to make it through every single day… me.
I have depression and panic disorder but I’m also a major dork. No one cracks me up like I do. No one’s thoughts move me as much as my own. I’ve known myself my whole life, but I am still constantly learning things about myself… what I like, how I love, things about sex, thoughts about life and space and science and spirituality…
My biggest advice to everyone is to give yourself a break. You have been through SO MUCH. And you’re still here. You’re still trying and you can grow and change and love and laugh and cry and feel. And all the bad things in life, you’ve gotten through them ALL. They may affect you, but they are not who you are. You have not failed because you still breathe. And from your first breath to your last, you are the number one witness to your own life. Stop thinking about all the times you “failed”. You didn’t fail… you learned and grew.
You can try and try to get other people to understand what you’ve been through, but no one will ever truly get it like you. You know. You were there. You remember. You saw. And you have done the absolute most loving thing you could ever do for yourself: you haven’t given up on yourself.
It’s okay to be afraid, to have doubts, to be imperfect… to have things you’re not good at… to need therapy or medication or whatever… but you are so perfect at being you. You are alive, not in the past… but right here and now, taking these breaths and reading these words.
Having a pet is weird. We don’t speak the same language, but we are actually super bonded and love each other. Love is Universal.