How do you begin to tell your life story when there’s so much of it? How far back do you go and how much detail do you provide along the way?
At what point did the main character in this story become them? Do we trace their life back to the very beginning of life itself? Do we venture back before life even came into existence? Do we start at the literal, absolute beginning of everything that has ever or will ever exist?
What I’m trying to figure out is, at what point did I become me? I have been the witness to my life since I mysteriously woke up one day and I am the result of an unbroken chain of life that never once failed.
Think about that. In order for you to be you, you had to come from your parents, right? And without your GRANDparents, your parents (and therefore also YOU) would not have existed. Trace your lineage back far enough and you will arrive at that first spark of life that ever existed. Ever. That first bit of life to ever have come into existence.
Not a single being from that first spark of life to you ever failed to reproduce. My mind can’t even fathom the minuscule likelihood of my own existence.
Quite simply, one day I simply woke up. I wasn’t…and then I was and I am.
My earliest memory is when I was 2 or 3 years old. I was playing with an inflatable beach ball and it rolled beneath my parents’ rocking chair. I crawled underneath the chair, and it was then that it happened.
I became self aware.
I was under the chair, reaching for the ball, and suddenly thought, “what am I doing? Where am I? What is going on? Also, I’m going to get hurt.”
It was like waking up from a dreamless sleep. I was thrown into my body and suddenly had thoughts, desires, fears, and awareness.
I watched my hands in amazement, realizing I could control them. I grabbed the ball, overcome with confusion, and bumped the chair in such a way that I hit my mouth and split my lip open.
I don’t remember crying. I was too dumbfounded by what I’d just discovered. I wasn’t, but now I was. I existed.
I walked down the hall to my mom, who was in the bathroom. I remember knowing instantly who she was and feeling as though I had not seen her in an infinitely long time. Lifetimes.
My mom got a wash cloth and ice for my lip (which ended up not needing stitches), and as my dad drove us to urgent care, I sat on my mom’s lap in shock.
There were sights, sounds, smells, the vibrations of the road under the car’s tires, the comforting feel of my mom’s arms around me, the embarrassment I felt for getting hurt, the completely unknown feeling of pain in my lip, and above all else…the awe.
I wasn’t, and then I was.
One day, I woke up. And I’ve woken up many more times since that day. It’s my goal, my utter dream and honor, to share that journey with the world. The journey is one without end and it’s full of mistakes, miracles, and magick.
Stick with me and I will share all I can with you. I feel you. I see you. I love you, stranger.
Wake up with me.
Burn myself into a cinder
I’ll be rising, ever higher
Into fire, wings igniting
Ash is falling, I am rising
Smoke and blood
Snow and ash
Soul and body
I am the Phoenix rising
Star to star
We’ll pay our dues
Then be reborn
And love anew
I am the Phoenix rising
You are a single, impermanent speck of life,
a blip in the midst of something mysterious and vast.
I found an old picture of me and my ex.
It was like looking at two complete strangers.
I looked at me in the photo and said, “you will be happy. I promise.”
I thought I heard God, but looking back, I think I understand now.
I was the voice that saved me that night.
I’m about to turn 37 next month. Recently, I got the urge to listen to the first Savage Garden album cuz “I haven’t heard that in like ten years.”
Dudes… that album came out in 1997, which to me feels like 10 years ago.
It was 23 years ago.
I spent the ages of being 21-33 married to a not nice person… the past four years I’ve finely started learning life skills like how to change brake pads and reset an odometer in my car. I’m playing catch-up but I think we all are.
One thing the pandemic has taught me is that literally I’m the best friend I will ever have. I have witnessed 100% of my life, no one else. Instead of beating myself up constantly, I’ve realized… not once have I ever given up on myself. I’ve come close, but I’m still here. No one else got me out of that marriage… no one else got me through being bullied in high school… no one else was so brave to make it through every single day… me.
I have depression and panic disorder but I’m also a major dork. No one cracks me up like I do. No one’s thoughts move me as much as my own. I’ve known myself my whole life, but I am still constantly learning things about myself… what I like, how I love, things about sex, thoughts about life and space and science and spirituality…
My biggest advice to everyone is to give yourself a break. You have been through SO MUCH. And you’re still here. You’re still trying and you can grow and change and love and laugh and cry and feel. And all the bad things in life, you’ve gotten through them ALL. They may affect you, but they are not who you are. You have not failed because you still breathe. And from your first breath to your last, you are the number one witness to your own life. Stop thinking about all the times you “failed”. You didn’t fail… you learned and grew.
You can try and try to get other people to understand what you’ve been through, but no one will ever truly get it like you. You know. You were there. You remember. You saw. And you have done the absolute most loving thing you could ever do for yourself: you haven’t given up on yourself.
It’s okay to be afraid, to have doubts, to be imperfect… to have things you’re not good at… to need therapy or medication or whatever… but you are so perfect at being you. You are alive, not in the past… but right here and now, taking these breaths and reading these words.
The World calls into being Another, one who will live awhile. Who will learn what it’s like to be singing and dancing, to know an embrace made of tears. But also to learn how to dream and to question, to also be peaceful and strong. To learn what is perfect and pure. The world that is hurting, another, another. A gentleness ushers love in. In the cradle of gold light, a Source made of beauty. Another, another, arise. Into forever and beyond all knowing. Beyond, beyond, beyond. All things we know passing. Another is being awakened. A calm wind. A silence. An echo of approaching dark. But there in the dark, a solitary light source. The brief interlude of our waking.